I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
