I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
