I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
