do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
