I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
