Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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