I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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