I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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