Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
