I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
