there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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