I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
