He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
