let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
