I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
