why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Everyone says I win the strip club
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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