I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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