It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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