I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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