i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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