i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
