woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
sarcasm needs its own font
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
