i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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