I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
