And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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