She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
