Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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