i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
