The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
