So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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