My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
