I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize