dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
