My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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