Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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