my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
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