I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
