My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
