i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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