I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
