I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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