did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
