My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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