I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
