I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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