how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
