We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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