if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I want to be your penis for a week.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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