I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
