He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
