My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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