I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
