Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
