She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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