HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize