You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
