I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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