today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
