dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
